I was hanging out with a friend in a coffee shop yesterday, and his friend asked if I wanted a tarot reading.
Always one for impromptu synergy, I said yes.
The theme, shall we say, was relax. Stop running around and chill. Be centered. Play music. Stop doing what society wants you to do.
He asked me if I want to find a job. I said yes. I guess I said it in a strange way because he was like, do what you love. The universe will take care of you.
I think the life I had in San Francisco for four years was more than I ever could have imagined. Living out in the suburbs of El Cerrito I can't help but miss the urban familiarity of the inner richmond, the haight, the mission, downtown.
I picture myself in another victorian with bay windows overlooking Golden Gate Park, working somewhere I can stomach, spending my free time in coffee shops among the hustle and the bustle, writing or playing music.
The other thing the guy who did my tarot said was that what we are now is because of thoughts we've had before, so everything we think now is creating our future.
I do believe in a collective unconscious. He talked about tapping into it, how I've probably been unaware of it for a while because my focus was on other things, but it is there, nourishing all of us. The universe gives us everything we need.
He talked about purity. Synthesis. The balance of oppression versus Ecstasy. It was one of those things that made perfect sense at the moment, and kind of blasted open another portal for just a couple of minutes.
Then I got home and opened the mail to find my unemployment is being reduced for the new year, and the stress of finding a way of making money has been crunching in on me.
As a result I've been a little mopey. When I thought I had more time, I was able to go with it. Roll with the punches. Be in the now.
So the key now is to practice that when I'm teetering on the precipice of uncertainty.
I see myself living in an urban environment with plenty of other artistic people around, hiking, reading, writing, eating, sleeping...just being. Spending my time doing the things that really fulfill me.
There's a path from here to there. I know it.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Writing as Meditation
I've been working through a book called Create A Life Worth Living, and part of this week's assignment is to do homework I've assigned to myself. I gave myself some basic assignments, like go to a coffee shop and write. She also wants you to do a daily action every day for fifteen minutes. You can meditate, journal, doodle, or something to that effect. I've been doodling every morning around 8am. It feels really strange, but supposedly, if you give yourself a chunk of time around the same time every day, your creativity will sneak in. So the author says. I've found myself drawing a bunch of animals, outdoor scenes, and a recurrent theme of a girl lying in bed sleeping, with Zzzz's and such. I don't know what that means.
I think every writer needs some time each day to just sit and reflect. Sitting with pen in hand staring into space is a meditation of sorts, and I'm sure all writers have some kind of habit that gives them some breathing room in their heads.
I swear one of the reasons I write is because I have so much chatter going on in my head all the time that if I don't get it out, my head will spontaneously combust.
I think every writer needs some time each day to just sit and reflect. Sitting with pen in hand staring into space is a meditation of sorts, and I'm sure all writers have some kind of habit that gives them some breathing room in their heads.
I swear one of the reasons I write is because I have so much chatter going on in my head all the time that if I don't get it out, my head will spontaneously combust.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Dramatic Scores...
The book Writing Open the Mind has some really cool exercises for writing, I tried a bunch out the other night and was able to write more than I would have otherwise.
I just bought Sunshine. It's just a good movie. I think part of the reason I like it so much is because of the soundtrack. I adore movies with a great score. Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, even Terminator 2. They all have great soundtracks.
This song is stuck in my head.
I just bought Sunshine. It's just a good movie. I think part of the reason I like it so much is because of the soundtrack. I adore movies with a great score. Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, even Terminator 2. They all have great soundtracks.
This song is stuck in my head.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Writing As A Way of Interacting With the World...
I'm trying to step left and do things differently in my life. So much of my existence has been defined by work and making money. Left to my own devices, with no idea what I want to do for a living, I have to take a look at what I end up spending my time doing.
When I worked, it was like I earned my free time. I am a rebellious person by nature, so I thrive on resistance. Basically, when I'm doing something I hate, I write the best words and music. When there is no opposition or resistance in my life, well, I'm pretty mediocre. Or at least I feel this way.
When I'm writing, everything stops. I'm not aware of the passing of time or any big obligations. I'm so grateful my mother started me writing in a paper journal when I'd barely learned to talk. The habit of keeping a journal and just writing out whatever I'm feeling or perceiving is cathartic. Without that outlet, I would be destitute.
I live a pretty solitary life right now. I see people at least once a day, and I see my husband and my dog, but I do spend a lot of time alone pondering my existence. Writing fills up the time, and helps me reflect on what is going on in my life. I can write down insane ideas and read them later to double check whether I'm coherent or not. We need to bounce the crap in our brains off somewhere, whether its other people or a piece of paper. I think writing gives me that sense of being alive. If I've left something on a piece of paper, I feel as if I've created something outside of me, and my voice and ideas won't die in the trapped island of my brain.
So back to my first paragraph. What do I spend my time doing when I'm predominately alone? I end up writing a lot. Walking a lot. Cooking some, meeting up with people some, taking baths some...but mostly writing and walking. These two things anchor me in ways I cannot explain. Writing never really seems like an empty gesture to me. I just can't capture what it feels like to express myself in words...I'm waxing sentimental here...but without writing...sheesh. I'd be so boxed in.
You would think with all this free time I'd be down at the soup kitchen or something, giving away what I've been so freely given, and I plan on doing so. But I've spent the last couple of years working like a stiff at jobs that really blew, so I'm trying to be thankful for this respite. We all need space, and time to reflect. After living in the city for years, I always had this go go go mentality. It is so hard for me to slow down, and when I don't fill my days with activities, I feel completely useless. And then I get completely knackered because I'm always running around, and I have no gauge to measure my progress.
I've always been outwardly structured by school or a job. Somewhere along the line I learned that going to school 9-3 or working 9-5 makes you a better person, and sitting around wondering what the point of life is, staring long and hard into the sunset, being a human being rather than a human doing, is worthless.
But what are we here for if not to experience life to the fullest? To feel what it's like to be in this crazy suit of skin, interacting with other wacked-out people, trusting that there is some element of synergy to the universe? And really, what is life without human interaction and self-expression? If I had been born in a vacuum, and never interacted with another human being, I think I would have ended up like some type of non-speaking pod person. One thing I find very meaningful is being around other people like myself. They're harder to find out here where I live right now, but I know they're around. And if I'm not around people like myself, I can learn why I'm different and what makes me tick by hanging around people who are my complete opposite.
But what I'm getting at here is that socializing with other people is a rope to measure myself by, bounce my inner voices off of, experience things not just through my own eyes. Writing fills in the gap. I can interact with the universe through writing as well. So the combination is really what makes me tick. Human interaction and reflection or creation through pen and paper. That is what makes my life meaningful. Throw in some hiking with my dog or other people, and the soup tastes just right.
When I worked, it was like I earned my free time. I am a rebellious person by nature, so I thrive on resistance. Basically, when I'm doing something I hate, I write the best words and music. When there is no opposition or resistance in my life, well, I'm pretty mediocre. Or at least I feel this way.
When I'm writing, everything stops. I'm not aware of the passing of time or any big obligations. I'm so grateful my mother started me writing in a paper journal when I'd barely learned to talk. The habit of keeping a journal and just writing out whatever I'm feeling or perceiving is cathartic. Without that outlet, I would be destitute.
I live a pretty solitary life right now. I see people at least once a day, and I see my husband and my dog, but I do spend a lot of time alone pondering my existence. Writing fills up the time, and helps me reflect on what is going on in my life. I can write down insane ideas and read them later to double check whether I'm coherent or not. We need to bounce the crap in our brains off somewhere, whether its other people or a piece of paper. I think writing gives me that sense of being alive. If I've left something on a piece of paper, I feel as if I've created something outside of me, and my voice and ideas won't die in the trapped island of my brain.
So back to my first paragraph. What do I spend my time doing when I'm predominately alone? I end up writing a lot. Walking a lot. Cooking some, meeting up with people some, taking baths some...but mostly writing and walking. These two things anchor me in ways I cannot explain. Writing never really seems like an empty gesture to me. I just can't capture what it feels like to express myself in words...I'm waxing sentimental here...but without writing...sheesh. I'd be so boxed in.
You would think with all this free time I'd be down at the soup kitchen or something, giving away what I've been so freely given, and I plan on doing so. But I've spent the last couple of years working like a stiff at jobs that really blew, so I'm trying to be thankful for this respite. We all need space, and time to reflect. After living in the city for years, I always had this go go go mentality. It is so hard for me to slow down, and when I don't fill my days with activities, I feel completely useless. And then I get completely knackered because I'm always running around, and I have no gauge to measure my progress.
I've always been outwardly structured by school or a job. Somewhere along the line I learned that going to school 9-3 or working 9-5 makes you a better person, and sitting around wondering what the point of life is, staring long and hard into the sunset, being a human being rather than a human doing, is worthless.
But what are we here for if not to experience life to the fullest? To feel what it's like to be in this crazy suit of skin, interacting with other wacked-out people, trusting that there is some element of synergy to the universe? And really, what is life without human interaction and self-expression? If I had been born in a vacuum, and never interacted with another human being, I think I would have ended up like some type of non-speaking pod person. One thing I find very meaningful is being around other people like myself. They're harder to find out here where I live right now, but I know they're around. And if I'm not around people like myself, I can learn why I'm different and what makes me tick by hanging around people who are my complete opposite.
But what I'm getting at here is that socializing with other people is a rope to measure myself by, bounce my inner voices off of, experience things not just through my own eyes. Writing fills in the gap. I can interact with the universe through writing as well. So the combination is really what makes me tick. Human interaction and reflection or creation through pen and paper. That is what makes my life meaningful. Throw in some hiking with my dog or other people, and the soup tastes just right.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Empty Spaces
A lot of my time is spent lately filling up the empty spaces in my life. A lot of times in the past, when I was working non-stop, I fantasized about free time. Endless solitude. Now that I have both of those things, I can't help but wish for less of both.
I need to be around people some of the time, so that I have ways to bounce my ideas around. If I am my only judge/critic, then I can come up with some crazy flights of fantasy about how the world works. Without other people, I can only entertain myself for so long. My ideas are not the greatest in the world. They only work in concert with other people's ideas. At least if I hear a bad idea I can compare mine to that and tell myself how good it is. Without the contrast, how would I know if my idea was good or not?
I usually write best when I'm challenged by something in my life, like doing something I don't want to do. I don't know if I started creating out of rebellion at the way things were, but it worked for me for so long. Now that I don't have that much to rebel against besides my physical and mental state of affairs, well, I'm not creating that much.
Some people have a writing practice, or a music practice. They sit down every day and write no matter what comes out. And they say they're always glad they did it.
My tragic flaw, I suppose, is that I've always written on a whim. I write when I feel creative or inspired. So the stuff I come up with is usually feeling-oriented. I can sit around waiting for weeks or months for the write (ha, Freudian slip) inspiration to come. I fear formula. But in fighting structure, I do myself a disservice. We have to adhere to some sort of a formula, at least at first, so that dash it to pieces.
So my question is this. If I do most of the things I do alone, do they matter? Or do we gain meaning from talking about the things we do alone with other people? Feedback is such an important part of writing. It's why we have blogs and writing groups and classes. The writing life can be so lonely. But what can you write about if you don't spend any time around other people? Unless you're a complete misanthrope, you do expect other people to read what you write. And if you expect this, then you have to write about things that will interest other people. Which means you have to spend time with other people at times before you come back to being alone with your words.
How do we fill up the empty spaces in our lives? Well, we have to find what is meaningful to us. And a lot of times that means we spend time doing things we don't enjoy so that we can know what we do enjoy.
I need to be around people some of the time, so that I have ways to bounce my ideas around. If I am my only judge/critic, then I can come up with some crazy flights of fantasy about how the world works. Without other people, I can only entertain myself for so long. My ideas are not the greatest in the world. They only work in concert with other people's ideas. At least if I hear a bad idea I can compare mine to that and tell myself how good it is. Without the contrast, how would I know if my idea was good or not?
I usually write best when I'm challenged by something in my life, like doing something I don't want to do. I don't know if I started creating out of rebellion at the way things were, but it worked for me for so long. Now that I don't have that much to rebel against besides my physical and mental state of affairs, well, I'm not creating that much.
Some people have a writing practice, or a music practice. They sit down every day and write no matter what comes out. And they say they're always glad they did it.
My tragic flaw, I suppose, is that I've always written on a whim. I write when I feel creative or inspired. So the stuff I come up with is usually feeling-oriented. I can sit around waiting for weeks or months for the write (ha, Freudian slip) inspiration to come. I fear formula. But in fighting structure, I do myself a disservice. We have to adhere to some sort of a formula, at least at first, so that dash it to pieces.
So my question is this. If I do most of the things I do alone, do they matter? Or do we gain meaning from talking about the things we do alone with other people? Feedback is such an important part of writing. It's why we have blogs and writing groups and classes. The writing life can be so lonely. But what can you write about if you don't spend any time around other people? Unless you're a complete misanthrope, you do expect other people to read what you write. And if you expect this, then you have to write about things that will interest other people. Which means you have to spend time with other people at times before you come back to being alone with your words.
How do we fill up the empty spaces in our lives? Well, we have to find what is meaningful to us. And a lot of times that means we spend time doing things we don't enjoy so that we can know what we do enjoy.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I Have Too Much To Be Grateful For It...
Gratitude is a funny word. When I think of gratitude, I think of making gratitude lists, a habit I picked up in programs I went to. But gratitude is about a lot more than just making lists.
An acquaintance of mine went on a retreat with a swami and the theme of the whole venture was "if you have gratitude, you have everything."
I spend a lot of my time thinking about what I do not have. I worry about not having a job. I don't know what I want to do with my life, or what exactly makes it meaningful. I'm really impatient with myself and what I'm doing with my time.
So many people have said that I'm so lucky to have all this free time, a place to live rent-free, and unemployment coming in.
I am grateful for these things.
There's some strange universal law though that says if you have too much free time, it seems like you have no time. When I'm doing all sorts of stuff, I seem to have more time to do more stuff.
I compare myself to other writers and musicians, thinking about what THEY would be doing if they had as much time as I have. Oh, they would be writing non-stop. They wouldn't be sad or lazy. They wouldn't waste time cleaning the house or running errands or seeing movies. They'd be like monks for writing. Non-stop writing, they wouldn't even take time to eat.
Who are these people? Certainly not me. I don't write because it's mandated that I write. I don't play music because somebody told me I have to do it.
So being my own drill sergeant isn't going to work, because when someone, even me, tells me I HAVE to do something, or else, I usually flip them the bird.
Maybe gratitude can help with the creative block too.
Sitting down every day and actually writing would help too. Hmm.
An acquaintance of mine went on a retreat with a swami and the theme of the whole venture was "if you have gratitude, you have everything."
I spend a lot of my time thinking about what I do not have. I worry about not having a job. I don't know what I want to do with my life, or what exactly makes it meaningful. I'm really impatient with myself and what I'm doing with my time.
So many people have said that I'm so lucky to have all this free time, a place to live rent-free, and unemployment coming in.
I am grateful for these things.
There's some strange universal law though that says if you have too much free time, it seems like you have no time. When I'm doing all sorts of stuff, I seem to have more time to do more stuff.
I compare myself to other writers and musicians, thinking about what THEY would be doing if they had as much time as I have. Oh, they would be writing non-stop. They wouldn't be sad or lazy. They wouldn't waste time cleaning the house or running errands or seeing movies. They'd be like monks for writing. Non-stop writing, they wouldn't even take time to eat.
Who are these people? Certainly not me. I don't write because it's mandated that I write. I don't play music because somebody told me I have to do it.
So being my own drill sergeant isn't going to work, because when someone, even me, tells me I HAVE to do something, or else, I usually flip them the bird.
Maybe gratitude can help with the creative block too.
Sitting down every day and actually writing would help too. Hmm.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Are We Only Our Words?
There are so many things below the surface of my mind, just out of reach. There is so much about how I operate that I am not even aware of. It seems as if a lot of my time is spent on auto-pilot. The mind watching the mind...I watch myself talk to people, move things around, choose interests, and I wonder who is driving the car.
Obviously not me.
We are so much more than our thoughts. That is not what a writer/musician wants to hear. Isn't life just words boiled down to their most insinuating essence? Can't everything anyone does or says be encapsulated in a sentence or two, something deep, a rumination about life and all its little nuances?
If the mind is silent, without thought, do we just cease to exist? Or is there some deeper consciousness that exists below words, that knows everything without having to voice it?
How else do you explain non-verbal communication with someone who doesn't speak your language? If you can communicate through a stronger medium that doesn't involve speaking, then you communicate with the human in front of you on a visceral level.
It is somewhat audacious to try and voice how meaningless words are while using words.
The irony.
Do you ever have those moments where you are sitting in the sun enjoying the breeze and your mind is completely silent, yet you know that you are utterly happy and that pure existence is the essence of happiness without thinking it out?
When we identify solely with what our minds babble on about we keep from living in the right here right now. The mind goes crazy visualizing future events and miring itself in the past, it fights like hell to stay alive, because without proof of its existence, oh my god, it just might die.
But the only time to be is right here right now. Don't get me wrong. The mind is useful, and it does some great things. But the cause of much of our disease is an over identification with the chatter in our heads. Its very Buddhist, the idea of having a silent mind.
But you don't have to meditate to quiet your brain. Just be present for what you're doing. Don't just go through the motions to get to the next thing saying "I'll be happy when...". Do something for the sake of doing it. Feel the heat on your skin. Listen to the nuances in the music on your speakers. Feel the water rush down your skin as you shower. Feel the power of your SOUL as you walk through life...
Something deeper. Something real. All we can feel.
There is a deep undulating rhythm that defies all thought and reason, something like the universal unconsciousness running through every object on this planet. If we're quiet long enough we can channel the energy of the world, manifest anything we desire.
Holy crap that was weird. After I wrote that last couple of sentences google flashed up an ad that used my exact words. The internet is getting creepy. Or more in tune?
Obviously not me.
We are so much more than our thoughts. That is not what a writer/musician wants to hear. Isn't life just words boiled down to their most insinuating essence? Can't everything anyone does or says be encapsulated in a sentence or two, something deep, a rumination about life and all its little nuances?
If the mind is silent, without thought, do we just cease to exist? Or is there some deeper consciousness that exists below words, that knows everything without having to voice it?
How else do you explain non-verbal communication with someone who doesn't speak your language? If you can communicate through a stronger medium that doesn't involve speaking, then you communicate with the human in front of you on a visceral level.
It is somewhat audacious to try and voice how meaningless words are while using words.
The irony.
Do you ever have those moments where you are sitting in the sun enjoying the breeze and your mind is completely silent, yet you know that you are utterly happy and that pure existence is the essence of happiness without thinking it out?
When we identify solely with what our minds babble on about we keep from living in the right here right now. The mind goes crazy visualizing future events and miring itself in the past, it fights like hell to stay alive, because without proof of its existence, oh my god, it just might die.
But the only time to be is right here right now. Don't get me wrong. The mind is useful, and it does some great things. But the cause of much of our disease is an over identification with the chatter in our heads. Its very Buddhist, the idea of having a silent mind.
But you don't have to meditate to quiet your brain. Just be present for what you're doing. Don't just go through the motions to get to the next thing saying "I'll be happy when...". Do something for the sake of doing it. Feel the heat on your skin. Listen to the nuances in the music on your speakers. Feel the water rush down your skin as you shower. Feel the power of your SOUL as you walk through life...
Something deeper. Something real. All we can feel.
There is a deep undulating rhythm that defies all thought and reason, something like the universal unconsciousness running through every object on this planet. If we're quiet long enough we can channel the energy of the world, manifest anything we desire.
Holy crap that was weird. After I wrote that last couple of sentences google flashed up an ad that used my exact words. The internet is getting creepy. Or more in tune?
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